perfect traveler

10 traits of a perfect traveller according to haters

Every once in a while, like a boomerang, the subject of haters returns to blogs concerned with the topic of travelling. Sometimes a commenter whose life mission is to make the world a better place pops up. For this very cause, he is willing to read through 150 blog entries and point out 4 typos, make some blogger aware of the fact he has a crooked nose, or that his mother is ugly.

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How do bloggers react to that? Some cry for weeks on end and bash in the server that controls their blog and burn all the photos from their travels. Others attempt to persuade said hater that they are actually wrong and their mother isn’t that ugly. There are also those, who fight haters by deleting all the comments, which are even slightly negative (that is, those that aren’t a praise of the author’s infinite wisdom).

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I, however, believe that this is the perfect opportunity to look through hater’s spot-on remarks and use them to become the Perfect Traveller. They only really want to help us. They give us hints as to what we are doing wrong, nay, they usually even give us the exact solution to our problem. It’s just us – self-obsessed, travelling egoists – who can’t listen and draw conclusions.

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And if we do what is necessary, we will become perfect travellers, we won’t have haters, everyone will love us and the world will be a better place. And on the way to doing that we’ll probably stumble upon the cure for cancer.

What should a perfect traveller be like then, according to haters?


How should the perfect traveller look? Definitely not like Indiana Jones or Lara Croft. It’s not good if a voyager is too pretty, because that means they are a selfish, pompous, narcissistic prick, who owes everything to their looks. They can’t be too ugly either; it is no pleasure to look at some uggo. Oh, and they should have boobs, because people on the internet love boobs. The perfect voyage photo is one of boobs with a tourist attraction in the background.

So, it’s best if you have the face of Quasimodo, but remember, if you are the least bit uglier than Johnny Depp you should definitely only show your back in photos, or appear in the blurry background. If you’re too pretty, you better stick your head in a beehive. But then remember to stay in the background. With your back to the camera. Haters don’t want to look at your swollen face.

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Since we’re on the subject of photos – a real voyager cannot have an expensive camera. But they have to take photos good enough to appear on the cover of National Geographic. It will be best if you stalk professional photographers and make them lend you their camera so you can take a photo and quickly download it to your pen drive.

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People who travel have to have a hard time making a living; because if your job is too easy, that means you’re either a free-loader or you have your job because your daddy got it for you. It can’t be anything seasonal, creative. You shouldn’t have a white-collar or remote job either. Generally, nothing that is less physically demanding than a job building the pyramids is proper. 12 hours a day. And at night you should probably work the grave shift at a public school scraping dried up chewing gum off the undersides of school desks and be a mobile toilet cleaner. And of course you shouldn’t make more than a few hundred bucks a month for all that combined.

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Every voyager who takes pride in travelling cheap and saving as much as possible should be homeless. Because since they are renting a flat, they are not saving money. And if they do have a flat, it should be free of electricity, light, heating and be located in a black neighbourhood. Preferably in Harlem.

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A traveller should on no account have a good phone. And God forbid one of those yuppie phones with an apple. Nokia 3310 is definitely a device sufficient for keeping in touch with the outside world. And you can even play snake on it (when taking a break from working the cotton fields). And the internet you need to run your blog you can get for free in McDonalds if you ask a client to lend you their laptop.


Remember that a real voyager only drinks puddle water (tap water is too much of a delicacy) and eats out of the dumpster. On the list of permissible foods are: ants, sorrel that grows by the road, honey made by wild bees and meat. But only if you hunt it yourself. Possibly if it was run over by a car.

Post frequency

You shouldn’t add posts too often, or too rarely. It’s best if you wait armed with a new entry and post it the second your readers let you know they feel like reading it.

Means of transport

If you travel by car or motorcycle it has to be as cheap and old as possible. Worth a couple hundred bucks at most, but preferably built from driftwood. Anyway, if you can afford fuel you are not a real traveller, so the best option is to travel by bike or scooter.

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Although that’s no big feat, anyone can do that. If you want to be impressive, you should go on foot. Backwards. Through quicksand. With a backpack that weighs no less than 40 kg.

Actually, if a backpack is within your budget, that also means that you’re no legitimate traveller. Carry all your stuff in a potato bag. As a matter of fact, it would be perfect if you didn’t have any equipment at all.

Around the world, on foot, walking backwards, with no equipment, water or support from the outside world – now that’s what I’m talking about. Anything less is not worthy of being written about on the Internet.

Flights and crossing oceans

It is not proper for a real globetrotter to make use of planes, that’s a luxury reserved for the rich, who built their fortune on thievery and mischievous deeds. According to the previous paragraph, you should go everywhere on foot. If, by any chance, you stumble upon an ocean, you build a raft out of bamboo sticks or toilet stall doors and continue the adventure.

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The same goes for a car – if you prepare a car journey to another continent, don’t even think about ships and containers. A trip like that doesn’t count. Just build another raft for your car. Of course navigation equipment, sails and oars are for suckers. A real traveller rows with his limbs. Or with a shell of a sea turtle that they killed with their bare hands. On second thought, forget it, Greenpeace would eat you alive. Let’s stick to using your muscles.

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Direction of Travel

A real voyager mustn’t travel to safe countries, that’s no big deal, your granny canadian pharmacy could do that. Your destination should be war-torn, infamous for kidnappings, rapes and cannibalism, with no roads, phone coverage, drinking water, or even McDonald’s or Coca Cola. But hey, it does not exempt you from daily Instagram updates. Uploaded through that Nokia of course.

Making money on the blog and charity work

It is explicitly forbidden for a traveller to make money from his blog. Writing a blog is no job. Hard working teachers only have three months’ time off and 13 salaries a year so by what right is a blogger supposed to get paid for writing some crap about their trips?

Sponsors? What are you a hooker?

Even if a traveller does earn something for writing a blog, it means that a, they sold themselves and b, they should definitely give it all to charity. Doesn’t matter if it’s supporting the construction of a hospital for injured degus or whatever, the traveller must remember to never boast about it in public. It would surely mean that they did it solely for fame and that’s even worse than selling out. It would be best if they donated all the money in secret, allowing the readers to demand the financial statement proving it at any time.

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Now get to work. Thank the haters and change your life and travels for the better. Success guaranteed. After all, the haters are never wrong, are they?

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About Karol Lewandowski

Traveler, bloger.
  • Carlsson

    Hello Charly,
    why do you care about such people? Just don’t!
    I love to travel and also like to read about other peoples trips, so came across (via boredpanda) and discovered your blog, it is a pleasure reading!!! And it’s fuel to my further ideas of traveling.
    So just go on and keep the world updated!
    Cheers from Switzerland!

  • Vincent Galiano

    Very funny!!!!!


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